The End of Thought

I tend to be a happy person. Even in the face of what limited adversity or sorrow I’ve had to experience in my very fortunate life, I always try to see the silver lining. Lemons to lemonade and all that.

My happy disposition aside, there are things that still manage to piss me off. This is upsetting to me since, like most people, I prefer to be happy and peaceful rather than stewing in rage. To remedy this situation, I will now make some lemonade out of some of the most bitter lemons I’ve come across recently.

1. Pennies.

Why they suck: Not only do they clutter up my pockets, car, and furniture, but they are actually contributing to the national debt. An article I saw recently says pennies cost more to produce than they’re worth and the government loses about fifty million dollars a year due to this penny paradox. I bet you can think of a few things that you could use fifty million dollars for and none of them include stamping Lincoln’s face onto little worthless discs (unless you would use the money to expand your historical Pog collection).

Why they ain’t so bad: Fifty million dollars could kill a few more Iraqis if used in the war effort and diverting it to coin production is, in a round about way, saving those lives. So, next time you’re walking around downtown Baghdad, flip a local a penny, wink and say, “You’re welcome.”

2. The War on Drugs

Why it sucks: Quite simply, it ruins more lives than it saves. By making certain substances illegal, you create a black market. Black markets must police themselves and thus we get the street violence that is ravaging our inner cities. These untaxed, underground markets funnel money to support violent gangs. The war on drugs costs billions of dollars and yet it has done little to curb drug use in the country. People are thrown in jail or fined for possessing marijuana, yet alcohol and tobacco, which together kill thousands each year, are freely consumed. I could go on (and believe me, in future posts I will) but for now, check the facts for yourself.

Why it ain’t so bad: A recent (and I’m sure highly scientific) study found that Taco Bell is the stoner’s fast food of choice when fighting off the munchies. Any program that can incarcerate Taco Bell’s customer base and drive that evil company closer to bankruptcy can’t be all bad.

3. Online Forum Culture

Why it sucks: The internet is truly a remarkable thing, isn’t it? Pretty much all the information we’ve accumulated as a civilization can be found by a few minutes of searching and forums instantly connect us to people on the other side of the planet. As we stand upon this mountain of technical achievement, we proudly use this medium born in the minds of our greatest geniuses to shout a message…and that message is: “in before the lock…lulz…buried as lame…BOOBS OR GTFO.”

Why it ain’t so bad: Occasionally you get the boobs.

4. A Messed Up Order from a Fast Food Restaurant

Why it sucks: Is there anything more deflating than getting home after a run to your favorite fast food joint and realizing your order is wrong? Think of all those incorrectly made burgers you’ve had to choke down or all those fries carelessly left out of the bag; their destinies unfulfilled.

Why it ain’t so bad: Those years of fast food struggles made this scene all the more cathartic.

5. “That Guy” at Concerts

Why he sucks: He talks obnoxiously about the band you’re seeing as he tries to impress his friends with his musical knowledge. He sings along loudly to every song, even when it isn’t exactly appropriate. He has his damn cell phone out the entire time trying to get the perfect picture for his screen saver. He pushes in front of you when you clearly had that spot staked out. He seems to be having way more fun than you mostly because of the fact he is oblivious to how annoying it is to have to stand near him. He just sucks, alright?

Why it ain’t so bad: Ummm…I guess he’s supporting an artist you like. It’s getting really hard to justify all this bitter-ass lemonade.

6. “America’s Next Top Model”

Why it sucks: Have you ever seen a portal straight to Hell from which no light or goodness can escape? I have.

Why it ain’t so bad: I give up.